13 June 2008 - Day 82

Wow! So much for making plans. Sometimes I wonder why we go through the motions. I guess for the exercise, I suppose. Today seemed to be all jacked up, but with a good end result (at least from a work standpoint.) I got to office late since I had my pre-op appointment, which went very well by the way. So very soon after I get to the office, all hell breaks loose. The contractor demands that I have both of my projects filed with the State today in order to get permits by Monday. Holy shit! That was insane. I didn't even get time to eat lunch, just had a diet coke all day. (So much for the body for life meal plan, huh.) Well to make the rest of the chaotic story short, I made it! We got both projects filed, as "half-ass" as that may be. But hey, they are done, and we have filing numbers, so the contractor can get his permits. YEAH!

So in short, that may shorten up some of my responsibilities for next week, which means the schedules may really be changing. I have so much on my plate right now, it is very hard to get organized.

So this weekend is also now out-of-whack, since Chris' grandma just passed away. So I guess we will just have to stop planning for the next few days, and see how things work themselves out. This could get interesting. Can't wait to see how this one turns out.

M=disorganized
E=eager, happy
P=good, but tired
S=not sure

12 June 2008 - Day 81

Today went pretty smooth. Started out this morning with Tyler's first therapy session, which went fine. He opened up to the therapist right away. Hopefully the sessions will help improve his level of communication and independence and god help me, the drooling.

Work was a little slow, but that was because I am waiting on the engineers who are way behind on my project, which is really holding us up. I have a feeling that Vic and the contractor are going to be pretty pissed come Monday with little progress since Wednesday's meeting, but what can I do but wait.

Time for pumishing...I didn't get to the gym today. We had an insanely busy afternoon/evening. But I am hoping to get to the gym tomorrow night after work, since we are scheduled to get more thunderstorms. My backyard is a f*@#ing swamp, which really made mowing interesting last night. I am just glad I got all the things done on my to-do list for today, which is pretty impressive. So I will be working on tomorrow's list real quick. I have a feeling that this weekend is going to fly...I have so much planned. But that is a really good thing, since I am really eager for Tuesday to get here...for some reason.

Time for more work...

M=stable
E=anticipating
P=sore thighs
S=searching

9 June 2008 - Day 78

Today seemed to pass by very quickly, which means I have a ton on my plate. It is great to be so busy at work. (Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself of that when I get stressed out.) But since next week I have a "special friend" coming to visit, I have lots left on my to-do list. Speaking of...I am getting soooooo excited about next week, I can hardly stand it. And somehow hidden in that excitement is a little bit of nervous tension about upcoming surgery. I am feeling pretty good about the procedure and very confident in my surgeon, just not too excited about all the recovery. But I know I am in good hands. Besides, I have the best boyfriend in the world who is so willing to sacrifice and come up to the wonderful midwest to take care of me. =) What could be any more perfect!

Tomorrow I have high hopes of accomplishing a lot on my list, since I will be "child-free." I will working at the office all day, then heading to the gym for a double workout. I am also kinda glad this weekend is Father's Day so I can have some alone time on Sunday to finish prepping for the busy week ahead, and all the fun of catching up on my yardwork.

M=ambitious
E=happy, eager for next week
P=tired but great
S=distracted

8 June 2008 - Day 77

Sometimes the world really surprises me...I can't believe some of the "lessons" I am faced with. It is so fucking hard, while you are buried in them to realize what there could possibly be to gain from them. I try and try to overcome, sometimes even ignore an issue, hoping it will go away, but some seem to never disappear, as much as I want them to. Those are the worst kind. I wish this phase had a "do-over." I want so badly to be through this chapter and move on to the next one. I want to be able to enjoy true happiness for me. I want to find balance in my life, to be free of this torture. But maybe the lesson is a long one...one that takes endurance to tackle. Well, tonight I am feeling very weak, which isn't really something that I am used to. I am a very strong person. It is time for rest and relaxation. Tomorrow is a new day, full of new possibilities and solutions...and lots of smiles.

Cheers!

M=frustrated
E=overwhelmed
P=weak
S=disconnected

5 June 2008 - Day 74

This morning was fantastic. I was cruising along at work, making all kinds of progress. Then I took a break for lunch to go to Jordan's end-of- the-year picnic. It was great to see her face when I surprised her. They had great weather for the event, which was nice.

When I got back to the office, the headache really started. I spent a majority of the afternoon dealing with my attorney on the phone trying to come to some "resolution" about the summer visitation schedule. And now as I look back at the whole scenario, especially after talking to Dave about the whole shitty experience, I realize things should have panned out differently. Maybe the whole lesson in this is for me to strengthen my self-confidence/assertiveness...find out what it is that Dawn Terry really wants and don't let go of what it is that I am after. To stop letting others take advantage of me, stop letting them wear me down until I give in, but grow some balls and stop at nothing until I get my happiness.

Interesting.

Now what? That is the question. I need to be able to find balance...the ultimate goal. To achieve balance seems to be a very difficult task, especially for a mother who tends to put others before herself. But how will your children respect you if you don't respect yourself? Stand.

Ah ha...Stand by Rascal Flatts. "When push comes to shove, you'll taste what you're made of..." Music does something amazing to my soul. Now let's see what Dawn is made of...

4 June 2008 - Day 73

Right now I am feeling very overwhelmed. Feels like I am running in circles, not really accomplishing anything. My body felt a little out of whack, so I decided to go ahead and do the 7-day detox program this week. I felt pretty good on Monday, readjusting on a "limited" diet, if you will. But for the last 2 days, I just can't seem to get past my headaches. They are really taking a toll on me. I would imagine they are related to the amount of stress in my life. Between unsigned divorce papers, Jordan's school decision, financial problems, work overload/disorganization, unsold house, and on top of it all...I'm about to turn 35. Holy shit! I really need to focus on one thing at a time and make time to meditate.

So for tonight, I will do just that...focus. Simply focus on quieting my mind for true rest. Then start fresh tomorrow.

M=overwhelmed
E=happy in love, and could use a big hug
P=spent
S=seeking

2 June 2008 - Day 71

Today was pretty interesting. I had a little trouble focusing at work, my head was killing me. These afternoon headaches are brutal. I am really trying to make healthy choices and kick my ass into shape before my surgery, in hopes that it will help with my recovery time. So anyway, I have been trying very hard not to have any caffeine. Man, it has been really rough today, but I made it.

Today I ate very well. I made an awesome banana smoothie for breakfast. I will have to do that more often. So I have lots to catch up on at the gym tomorrow. Plus since it is Robyn's birthday tomorrow, we are going out to see Sex and the City movie. I am pumped. So I will likely work through lunch again and head out of work in time to get a good workout in before the 7:30 movie. Can't wait. Funny thing is...I just realized that Robyn is turning 32...wow! That is crazy. Hard to believe.

So better rush off so I can get my workout in real quick before my man calls me back. See ya tomorrow.

M=struggling with the headache, but determined to focus
E=happy in love
P=little tired
S=searching

1 June 2008 - Day 70

It is hard to believe it is Day #70. In some respects, I feel very good about all that I have accomplished, and in others, I feel that I should really raise the bar for these last few weeks. In fact, even push myself to make up where I have slacked off a little. I have tons to do. So I am going to keep this blog very short and haul ass into planning my upcoming week.

So the quick recap...today was great! I had an excellent time with the kids. We went to the zoo, played outside, Tyler soaked me with the hose, finished up mowing, and had a quick, fun bike lesson with Jordan. She did fantastic! I am so proud of her. She was really balancing well today, getting much better. She is finally getting excited about learning, not so apprehensive. Plus, she gave me a huge hug before bed and said, "Mom, you are a really good teacher. Thanks! I love you, Mom."

M=Ambitious
E=Happy
P=Eager to make up for lost time, and kick ass!
S=Out of touch, but persistant to change that!

31 May 2008 - Day 69

It sure was an eventful day. I had some time alone with Jordan, which was awesome. We went rollerskating and then to the mall. It seems as though we spent a lot of the day running around, but we had a great time. I got the yard almost mowed. I couldn't finish because we got some much rain. I am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. I sure hope the kids are on that schedule too.

How ironic the book that Jordan chose to read tonight was a history book her teacher gave her. The book featured a few different cities throughout the country. And of course, I managed to stumble upon Santa Fe, New Mexico. Jordan thought it was soooo cool that I was just there visiting. She said, "when do I get to go there, Mom." How interesting. She thinks the mountains are awesome. Funny, so does her mom. =)

I can't wait to get back to that beautiful state and explore some more. Let the adventures begin...

M=since church really battling the headache
E=happy
P=guilty (other than rollerskating & mowing, nothing eltse today); although I am determined to kiss ass next week!
S=disconnected...but also determined to change that next week too!

Best of luck in the 50 miler tomorrow...I love you! xoxox

30 May 2008 - Day 68

For some reason, although I was very busy at the office today, I just couldn't seem to stay focused. I had lots of other things on my mind...so easily distracted. However, I did have a pretty fun time actually messing around with Vic this afternoon picking paint colors for his friend's house. (How interesting...actually doing something I am "qualified" to do.) Maybe that was my message for the day. Maybe I should start re-focusing on what it is that Dawn enjoys...not just going through the motions. I seem to kinda steer away from change, but there is someone who really helps me open my eyes to a fresh new world of choices/opportunities. So I will stop and listen to the world of opportunties around me, and become more aware of those choices that seem to demand my attention.

M=distracted
E=happy
P=fighting symptoms
S=seeking direction

29 May 2008 - Day 67

This morning started pretty rough...not feeling very good. For a while, I thought I was going to have to head home to take a nap, but lunch really cheered up my spirits. I had lunch at Casa's with Jackie and Robyn. Man, I love her! She really cracks me up. Although I am a little jealous that her divorce is going to be wrapped up before mine, I am very glad that she is seeking personal happiness. She really deserves it. She is an incredible friend. One of those friends that you can always pick right up where you left off...hard to find...a real treasure!

So other than the terrible persistant headache that kept trying to slow me down, I had a pretty cool day. Very busy again at the office, but made some pretty good progress. I don't think that we are going to make our deadline tomorrow, but that is definitely not due to me. Ron is thoroughly behind on redlines again....or should I say, still? Anyway, looking forward to some mommy/daughter time on Saturday morning; planning a trip to the roller dome. I am certain I enjoy it as much as she does.

Time to rest up in hopes that this is not the onset of any mysterious virus, but just a minor cold.

M=too hard to answer with this damn headache
E=happy
P=little fatigued
S=disconnected, but determined to refocus

28 May 2008 - Day 66

So here comes the short version...since I am a little behind in my responsibilities for the day, and a little stressed out by all that is still left on my plate for the evening. Work was great; very busy, just the way I like it. I am being pulled in many directions, which can be a little overwhelming, but all in good timing, since I am really starting to stress a little about money. So the extra work is perfect! This morning we were actually on time for school and work. Which really helped start things off well. Still getting a little re-adjusted to my routine, but determined to get back in the groove of meditation.

Evening got a little complicated, but nothing unlike what I am used to. Had fun with the kids, went to Petland to check out the doggies, and had some outdoor fun...well, until Jordan came crashing down. But all is good, other than the beginning of scraped summer knees and elbows.

Still so much to do, including my workout, so better run.

M=a little stressed
E=Happy in love
P=Strong
S=out of touch

27 May 2008 - Day 65

Today was a day of traveling, but for some reason, with each trip it seems as though I am always ending up in the wrong place. Today was definitely no exception. I had an incredible weekend with Dave. Friday we went to the Elephant Bar, had a fantastic dinner with cocktails. Saturday he made me breakfast, (I burnt the bacon, in turn, making a special treat for Tung), he took me up the mountain on the world's longest tram, went to Flying Star for lunch, cuddled for a long nap in the world's most comfortable bed, went desert exploring in the FJ, snuggled in bed and watched "Off the Map" on the laptop. Sunday we went to St. Clair Winery for brunch, took the scenic drive up to Santa Fe, stopped at Madrid along the way, ate at a wonderful outdoor restaurant called Cafe Paris, ate dinner with mom and dad, he took me on a date to the theatre to see Indiana Jones. Monday we went pet food and grocery shopping, then he convinced me to take the lift up to the top of Sandia Peak (10,000+feet) and mountain bike down...for the first time ever, mind you. It was awesome, especially after I got over my green-ness. Dave is an excellent coach. Once I learned quickly from my early mistake of not keeping my pedals even when riding over rocks, all was good. Then we rushed back to the house for a Memorial Day cookout with the neighbors. Then after chatting with mom and dad, saying our good-byes, we went to bed to snuggle.

Now that brings me back to today...the return. And for what? That is the question. It is certainly getting harder and harder with each visit to head in the opposite direction. All I can do is look forward to the next one. So until the next one, I hope time moves quickly and smoothly. Thanks for an incredible weekend. You are truly phenomenal! I love you!
xoxox

21 May 2008 - Day 59

I am so completely excited about this weekend, I can hardly stay focused enough to blog. I had a pretty busy day. Between finishing all my project assignments for Vera Bradley and NRP Financial, I didn't have much time to sit still. Which considering how easily distracted I can get by my Davy, that is probably a really good thing that I was that busy. It definitely helped the day go by quickly. So work was good, love to be busy. Then got the dreaded email from the attorney. Of course, just as I expected, nothing with asshat can go smoothly. I can't believe the nerve he has, but I guess when I really think about it, I didn't expect otherwise. So on we go to mediation, then we will see where this path leads. All I can say is I sure hope this lesson can be learned soon, because I am getting very tired of dealing with his shit. But most importantly, I know what I have found is well werth any obstacle. To find true love once is amazing; to find it twice is nothing short of destiny. I would travel through all of it again for you, Dave. I love you!

M=Distracted =)
E=Excited!!!
P=Strong
S=Seeking

20 May 2008 - Day 58

It has been a pretty crazy day, but a good day. I was super busy at work, which is making me a little nuts by all the disorganization, but I guess busy is much better than slow. I have a ton to finish before I can relax and get packed for the weekend. My to-do list is growing by the minute. So as I sit here, finally, after working all day, then a long work-out at the gym, and mowing the yard. Now on to the multi-tasking as usual...typing my blog, while eating my salad. =)

Shit! I shouldn't have mentioned the weekend, because now I can't seem to stay focused at all...hehehe.

Anyway, I still have to run to Leigh Ann's to sort the garage sale earnings, which will be good to have the cash for the weekend, so I better get on with it. Man, I did it again...weekend, weekend, weekend...can you tell I am a little excited? Mostly because I get to see my Davy, and knowing that he is feeling sooooo much better really makes me happy. I can't wait! See you soon.

M=Sharp
E=Excited!
P=Strong, feel good.
S=Seeking

19 May 2008 - Day 57

It is hard to believe how crazy things have been, that I have gotten so far off track. Just dish out my punishment now. I am very determined to change my body for life, so I do realize through the chaos of life, sometimes things happen that get us "off-track." So with that in mind, I am pulling for my body to get back on-track. I am committed to making a change for me and my kids. Every day I see all the choices that are out there, and hoping that I am the "right" example of the healthy choice that my kids will learn to emulate.

So today, I choose to be healthy. No longer punishing myself for what happened last week or making excuses, but looking forward to making healthy choices that are werth copying. =)

So even though I am feeling a little worn out and not completely 100%, I am blogging and getting ready to do some workout videos. I have made the commitment to workout with Jen, both Tuesday and Wednesday after work. Things are in line for improvement. Looking forward to a wonderful weekend in Albuquerque. =)

M=focused
E=excited for the weekend
P=tired but driven
S=seeking change

16 May 2008 - Day 54

Jeez, I have to be honest...I have lost track of days, journaling, meditation, the whole nine yards. I have been so preoccupied this week with all kinds of things, especially Dave. I know that is no excuse. I need to totally bust my ass to get back into the groove. This week I have worked out only twice, and not eaten as well. I vow to get back on track right now. Tomorrow is a new day and I have to do this all for me.

I feel so much better about life, have more energy, and more self-confidence when I am in my rhythm.

I have to be honest, it has been eating me alive to hear all the pain Dave is in, and not being close enough to help. I can't stand it one bit! I can't stop thinking about him. It is making me crazy! Only one week until I get to visit him in Albuquerque...I can't wait!

M=Preoccupied
E=Concerned
P=Tired, lacking energy
S=Disconnected

12 May 2008 - Day 50

What an unbelievable night!

The day starts by oversleeping this morning, then rushing out the door, off to school/sitter/work. Work went fine. I got a lot accomplished, but seemed to struggle to stay awake. (Can't imagine why I am so tired...hehehe.) After work, I pick up the monkeys and head to the park to unwind and play. We had a great time. Then by the time we got home, it was rush time again to get them dinner, finish homework, packed, showered, and off to bed.

Then I finally get the chance to "relax" and make a wrap for dinner. So just as I have a quick minute to start up the computer, I see that Dave is online and we started chatting. Then the craziness follows...I get a call from Chris asking if I have a minute to talk. I say...no, very busy. He ignores that and continues to tell me that his reason for calling is to give me the "heads up" that his whore bitch is suing me and Robert for distributing her pictures. HA...ME. What a fucking joke. This is the craziest shit ever! So now I am curious to hear what the hell is going on. He continues to sound desperate that he is trying everything to get her to drop it, but that she has hired a "ruthless attorney with no morals." In fact, this ruthless attorney is now contacting Chris to get him to fire Perry and hire him to finish our divorce case. Chris explains he doesn't want anything to get ugly. That he is trying to make this go away. That he is a "changed man" with christian morals and wouldn't even consider using this attorney. In fact, he continues to spew out of his mouth that he knows that we are never going to get back together, that he is so sorry, blah, blah, blah, but he still wants to sit down and talk with me (not try to win me back) about what happened. Tell me how he has changed over the last 2 months. What a fucking laugh!!!

Sometimes I can do nothing other than laugh at the thought of all this shit. What a crazy fucking bitch to think she can sue me...and for what? Sharing the pics she consented to taking and consenting to share with Robert. What an idiot! I can't wait to see where this one goes. Well, better email my attorney with this one.

Just had a thought...this one will sure be interesting to explain to Jordan some day...how her daddy's girlfriend sued her mommy for sharing the pics that daddy took of her with his dick in her mouth and consented to share with their 3way lover. HAHAHAHA!

M=can't stop shaking my head...the brilliance of some people...HA!
E=hysterical
P=tired
S=disconnected

11 May 2008 - Day 49

Wow! What an incredible last few days. Dave came to visit me on Thursday. Although things didn't exactly start off perfectly, I was so happy to have him right beside me. Between all of the sudden being completely swamped at the office, having to work late, and going home with a sick kid with a high fever...not exactly what I had in mind when I first got to see him. But somehow, we always seem to have fun regardless of where we are or what we are doing.

Friday, I had to be up early, have 2 kids off to school and sitter and be into work earlier than usual, and have the house ready for another showing...wow! We made it without any problems. Then the only hard part after that, was staying awake at work, and getting the rest of the work done quick enough that we could leave and be alone. I was a little antsy! =) Then we had enough time to enjoy each other, before heading to the gym for a workout, then off to dinner at Casa's. Then for the highlight of the evening...Rascal Flatts. They were absolutely phenomenal! From there we met up with Robyn and friends at Uptown, then somehow got sidetracked on the way to catch up with Jamie, by stopping to visit a church parking lot. Wouldn't Mom be proud?
What a night!

Saturday, we got a slow moving start. It is very hard to get up and moving with Dave in my bed. Even though the bed itself is shitty and uncomfortable, I just can't seem to get enough of the snuggling and spooning. I made us breakfast, then we headed outside to tackle the yardwork. Then we went for a 7 mile ride on the river greenway trails. That was awesome. Then we went shopping, and got very distracted along the way by running into Dave's new love, Jade the gorgeous blonde pekinese with green eyes. =) It was very hard to pry them apart. What an amazing puppy! Then it was home for showers and ready for the surprise. In order to celebrate the 19th anniversary of junior prom, I planned to model his favorite and mine, the black dress. I was so thrilled that after that many years that I could still get that amazing dress on. It was very emotional. Then it was off to a late dinner at Takaoka and meet up with Robyn and friends at 412 for entertaining karaoke.

Sunday, we woke up slowly again, got showered and ready, and went out for breakfast at Sharon's diner. With each visit, it is getting more and more incredibly difficult to say good-bye. This time was particularly hard for me. I am looking forward already to seeing him again in Albuquerque in less than 2 weeks.

M=sharp
E=bittersweet
P=sore from the rides =)
S=searching

7 May 2008 - Day 45

What an exhausting day... I am spent. But at the same time, I am so incredibly excited about seeing Dave tomorrow, I can hardly stand it. I have been rushing around since I got back into town at 6:00 to work on all my final errands, etc. I still have much to do, but I am so mentally spent from all the furniture meetings today, I am retiring for the night. I have a feeling we may be up late for the next few nights, "soaking" it all in. hehehe

I am so thrilled to see my boys too! I think I am singing in my sleep. I feel like a giddy high school girl...isn't that ironic. =) Oh and my attorney sent me the settlement papers for my final review...isn't that ironic that Dave is coming to town on the same night one year ago that asshat moved out AND I will be sending his attorney my final papers. =) I LOVE IT! How's that for timing!

M=Exhausted
E=Elated!
P=Great!
S=Seeking

4 May 2008 - Day 42

Today turned out pretty cool. I spent the morning, running around like a chicken getting the house ready for the open house, and paint samples to Leigh Ann. Then off to the zoo we went. The weather was surprisingly much better than forecasted. It was a wonderful sunny day, cool but much warmer than expected. Although it cost me lot of money, I got all the expenses done up front, which will last all summer. The kids really enjoy the zoo so I don't mind.

So all in all, it was a nice "free" day. I did not exercise, other than walking miles around the zoo, carrying the 40 lb boy, cleaning the entire house, chasing kids through the yard, playing frisbee, teaching Tyler to roller skate, etc.

This upcoming week is going to be awesome. I am really looking forward to having Dave come to see me, the Rascal Flatts concert and sharing my surprise. =)

So I still have lots to do to get ready for the exciting week, along with the info I need to gather for the attorney...so off to work I go...whistling.

M=Slightly stressed and confused
E=Eager for Thursday, Happy
P=Tired but strong
S=Seeking

02 May 2008 - Day 40

Right now I am feeling still a little overwhelmed. I have a ton to do to... #1 get my house ready for the open house on Sunday, and #2 all the attorney shit to finalize the settlement papers (hopefully, for the last time), and #3 all the details to get organized for next week. I can hardly keep my eyes open at the moment, so I think I will be better fit to handle all these tasks if I pass out early. So with that being said, I take my notepad to bed so I can jot down all the to-do shit I have and head to bed...

M=A little stressed
E=Happy
P=Whipped
S=Searching

01 May 2008 - Day 39

What can I say....these last 2 days have been awesome! I got to see my Davy, hear one of the world's most incredible musicians, drive a porsche, and many other things phenomenal things that I don't need to blog about (if you get my drift.) =) Even if it was a really quick trip, I wouldn't have missed this experience for the world.

So with all that fun, I did get a little off my plan, especially the eating plan. But I managed to get right back on track with my workout. As soon as I got back tonight, I went to the gym to get in yesterday's upper body workout + today's cardio. So I feel pretty good, other than dehydrated from last night's drinking fest. hehehe

I am really getting pumped about Dave and my boys, Rascal Flatts coming to town next week. WOW! I can hardly stand it already. So I better try to rest my mind a little. I have lots to do.

M=Scattered and overwhelmed (lots of atty shit on my mind)

E=Elated!

P=Strong but tired

S=Seeking

28 April 2008 - Day 36

I have soooo much on my mind right now, I can hardly remember which end is up. I am so excited that I get to see you in 36 hours in Fort Lauderdale for an awesome concert experience. I can't wait!!!!

Okay, Dawn, just try to focus for a few minutes...mmmm, zoom, zoom, zoom. Oh dear...do you see how quickly my mind wanders. I can't even type as fast as my mind is bouncing all over your body in my mind with anticipation. I just want to scream. Whatever is a girl to do??? I have no idea how I will possibly stand it that you will be so close to me in Indianapolis with Billy and I can't touch you. Such torture...ugh! Oh well, first things first.

TODAY. Today was pretty cool. I was super busy at work. Just started the 5th Vera store. I really needed that kind of distraction today to keep me focused on making money. My finances are starting to stress me a little, but I know everything will turn out just fine in time.

I ended up taking the kids to childcare at the gym, which worked out great! They got to exercise and I did too. I love that! I really enjoyed my workout tonight.

Well, I better get back to my to-do list. So much to do in so little time, but I have made good progress so far...the kids are packed. So now it is time to start on my packing, which theoretically shouldn't take too long since I will only be there for 27 hours. No time for sleeping this trip. =)

M=Scattered
E=Bubbling with excitement
P=Strong with a sore back
S=Searching

27 April 2008 - Day 35

Today was rather out of control. However, I still managed to accomplish most of the items on my long to-do list. With several still to go, this blog may be short. First of all, I am really excited about seeing my special friend for an awesome quick trip to Florida for the Santana concert this upcoming week. It is hard to believe that this week is the beginning of May, month #5 of 2008. Wow, this year is flying by. But even despite all of the challenges that have come with this year so far, I am extremely happy. I have several people to thank for that, but most of all you, Dave. You are truly amazing! One thing that is so ironic is that while you were telling me what my mom was thankful for...that you have been a "lifesaver" for me...I was listening to one of the new songs from my boys called "Every Day." (The jist of the song is that every day you save my life.) How crazy is that! What is even more crazy is that as soon as I sat down to log onto the computer, that was the song I heard playing. So the first thing I did was search for it and play the youtube video. It is funny that that song has been playing over and over in my head all day...what an interesting message.

Speaking of interesting messages, this morning during meditation I had this overwhelming comforting feeling. There were several times that I felt a real unique warm feeling...kinda hard to describe. I almost felt like I was being lifted or craddled. With all the drama in my life, it was like peaceful bliss. It was awesome!

M=Sharp
E=Full of anticipation and excitement!!!
P=Strong, but eager for more change...give me a challenge
S=Connected, at peace

26 April 2008 - Day 34

It was really nice to be able to wake up to your voice this morning, in a nice "comfy" bed (of course, it is nothing in comparison to THE comfy bed, which I would really like to be in at the moment), in a quiet house. It is rare that I get to enjoy a slow-moving morning, and take my time getting up. I was also able to make a nice breakfast, and get the lawn mowed for the first time this spring. And I spent some time with Dena tonight which was great! She is such a great friend, one of the special few that knows me so well. Anyway, we had a fantastic time, which included shopping, of course.

Other than yardwork, I did not get my cardio workout in, but I am scheduled for Spin class and more tomorrow. I am still doing well with the meal plan, but my meditating has fallen off track a little. So tomorrow, I plan on starting with that in a quiet house in the morning.

So although I didn't place 4th in a 22 mile race, I think today turned out pretty cool. I am getting organized with my long to-do list for tomorrow, then it will be time to rest. But for some reason, I am getting pretty excited about the upcoming week. Maybe that has something to do with the sexy pics I can't stop thinking about...on that note, time to get re-focused. Only 3-1/2 days to go. I can't wait to see you!

M=Trying to focus, but somehow distracted
E=Happy and anxious
P=Strong
S=Searching

25 April 2008 - Day 33

Here's to today...cheers! It's Sexy Friday. Thank god. Right now I am really feeling good that this challenging week is over. I am feeling very happy at the moment that I have been able to make it through. Yes, in fact this week has been full of many accomplishments. Some that were inevitable and others that were a real stretch. For example, from where I sit now, I have been exposed to some things that were not at all fun to have to see nor experience. It is really very sad and scary at how little you can know someone; what some people are capable of downplaying or covering up. What a sick person that must be. Anyway, I have made it through computer discovery day to decision day. I am glad for once I can truly unwind and relax for the weekend. No real obligations. I can sleep in and get some of the items done that I have pushed to the back burner.

On that note, I am looking forward to a quiet weekend...maybe to enjoy some "me" time, as a reward for overcoming this crazy insane week. So again I say "cheers!"

M=Calm and relaxed
E=Relieved and happy
P=Strong yet sore
S=Searching

24 April 2008 - Day 32

Today's blog will be rather short. I still have a very long list of things to accomplish for the evening and already my mind is shot. I am feeling completely overwhelmed at the moment and my body is having a hard time relaxing. So I will be brief...

Work went fine, considering it started off a little crazy with computer problems throughout the office. But it finished with some interesting furniture work in Revit, which was awesome. I am really enjoying learning that software now. I feel that it will really pay off soon. (Of course, all the distracting conversation helped the day pass quickly too.)

My mom actually helped out today and spent the entire afternoon with Jordan. That was awesome! Those times seem to be few and far between, but what a treat that was today for Jordan, and for me. =)

Eating was fine...following my plan as usual.

Other than being exhausted mentally with tough decisions to make ahead of me...things are really good. I am really hoping for a swift resolution to all this shit, of course, all in my favor.

M=Exhausted
E=Tired and stressed
P=Strong
S=Seeking direction

23 April 2008 - Day 31

I know, I know...yesterday I was naughty and didn't blog. However, I did follow through with all the stuff I had said I would do, and for the kind of crazy day I had, that should say something. I went to work; went to the attorney's office for discovery time (which at times was mortifying); went to the gym for a very hard workout; and finished the night off with some wine. After the kinds of things I had witnessed on that computer, I was really debating whether to just head home and pass out or head to Leigh Ann's for "wine-thirty." I am kinda glad I made that choice. It really helped to relax and void those things out of my mind. I am sure that was more due to the wine than the company. hehe Plus, I am certain it had a lot to do with my late night conversation, along with the sexy pic I received. =)

In any case, the truth has been exposed and now it is time to make a decision, and move forward. I am now faced with the big decision. What to do next? How to proceed? I feel that part of me is sooo past ready for all of this shit to be over, and part of me is really struggling for the best form of revenge. I am pretty sure that comes from my determination. I don't want to "give up" until I am certain I have won. I know what you are thinking...I do know that I have won. I don't think that is the internal problem at all. I think the problem lies in the fact that I don't really know what it is that I want. I am really enjoying my time to myself, the workouts, the traveling, the love for life again. For so long I was robbed of that. And I really feel that I am experiencing life through my own eyes and enjoying every minute. So the question is...do I fight to remove more of his rites with the kids, and in turn, rob myself of freedom?

Of course, the best answer is that I do what is in the best interests of me and the kids. And that means making sure they are protected and we are all happy.

That is definitely one to mediate on. So with that, I am off to think...


M=Exhausted
E=A little overwhelmed
P=Strong and fit
S=Seeking answers/direction

21 April 2008 - Day 29

There are soooo many things running through my mind right now. It is hard to get my mind to slow down enough to write them down. My first thought is to dread what I may find on that computer tomorrow...#2 Is to hope I find all kinds of dreadful shit that I can use to fry his ass...#3 Is to take advantage of his panicking and negotiate this now to the end...#4 Is to just slow down, take my time, discover all that I can to be certain that I am making the right decision for me and my kids. So with all that swirling through my brain, I choose, for now, to slow down and enter the discovery process with the best advice in mind...that those images I find are of a past life, a version of me that no longer exists. And that person needs my help to fight and set her free.

With that being said, I am mentally spent. So I am going to workout extra hard tomorrow, which I am sure I will need to do after computer discovery class is over, followed by some wine to unwind. Meditation was interrupted this morning by persistant phone callers, but I was still able to jump back in and relax my mind. That was encouraging.

One thing I am certain of, is that at times like these, I would love to make love and pass out in the arms of the man I love right now. Sweet dreams...

M=Scattered vs. Focused
E=Exhausted
P=Strong
S=Seeking direction

20 April 2008 - Day 28

Sometimes it just feels awesome to see someone eltse get what they deserve...just a little. Well, fuck that..in this case, a lot! What an incredible night of hearing someone squirm. #1...I wish I would have recorded that conversation. #2...I wish I could truly describe how I felt during that internal mind battle. It was so strange. But one thing I am certain of, is that I handled that conversation much better than I ever would have one year ago. Seeing that kind of "growth" in myself, or should I say rediscovery, is phenomenal. There were several times during that conversation that I had to simply bite my tongue. To realize that I have already won is fantastic.

Another tangent...back to the workout. Today's scheduled workout didn't actually go as planned, but I improvised perfectly. I ended up doing my upper body workout (just in case I can't get to the gym tomorrow) and the beginner spin class. I really enjoy that class. In fact, one of the goals for the week, is to get my old bike up and ready. Hopefully the weather continues to cooperate.

I totally skipped meditation today...hoping to get right back on track tomorrow morning. I know, I know...shame on me.

As a free day, I was really looking forward to eating pizza, but that didn't exactly work out. So I improvised again with the other half of my DQ buster bar. Yummy! I love sundays. =)

I am still awaiting my special Week 5 assignment....bring it on!

M=Sharp and anxious to discover what is on that computer
E=Happy and slightly vengeful
P=Strong, but a little sore
S=Disconnected

19 April 2008 - Day 27

I find it very interesting how people around me never cease to amaze me. Some of them truly are amazing, positive, genuine beings; while others are simply rotten to the core. The more the days and weeks go by, the more the latter seem to disgust me. I could never understand how some people could be so fake, dishonest, untrue to themselves and yet still sleep at night. What a horrible life to lead. I now have confirmed that some of them have no interest in changing. As a very wise person once told me..."if you can't change the person around you, CHANGE the person around you." How profound. So with that being said, I only choose once again to surround myself with the first group. It can only make my life more fulfilling. I know which group I am in; I have never waivered. All I can do tonight is laugh at those pathetic other souls who are lost.

Sorry, I was on a tangent...today was a little challenging after a long night of giggly girls at a sleepover, and late night chats =) I am a little beat. In fact, I took Tyler up for a nap and I fell flat asleep on the floor, while he played in his room. I guess that is an obvious sign that I need some real rest. But despite the chaotic activities, I really did enjoy my time with the kids. Jordan did a fantastic job at the Young Authors Conference this morning. What a proud moment. It really was funny to see the variety in other stories and illustrations. I especially enjoyed the ones that the parents obviously had a major part in. LOL! That only made me appreciate her even more; that she was able to handle the entire project on her own. In fact, I never even knew she had a project. How impressive!

We did manage to battle church tonight, even with all the naughty thoughts running through my mind. >:-) Only 5 more required attendences before the end of June. What was I thinking?

I am a day behind on my workouts. So I just completed the lower body workout tonight, and will be going to the gym tomorrow for cardio and then some. I am looking forward to my Sunday afternoon time alone to get some "to do" items off the list.

Only 11 days until Santana. How awesome!!!

M=Alert
E=Happy
P=Strong, but tired
S=Searching

18 April 2008 - Day 26

Here I sit, typing my blog while I drink a glass of wine and my boyfriend is all alone in his shower...over 1400 miles apart. What is wrong with this picture? Isn't that an interesting predictament? I feel like the more I visit him, the more I question where I really belong. Ahhhh! What is a lonely girl to do...I guess blog, then diddle, right?

Now that I have you smiling, here is a snapshot of my day...Work went awesome! I was super busy. (I love being busy. I would rather be swamped and productive, than slow any day.) I had a last minute deadline pop up, and I completed the entire assignment without any issues, and ahead of schedule. Plus, that helped make the day fly by, which I really need in order to get to the last day of the month sooner. =)

I did, however, get some "bad" news. I found out that Jordan did not get into the montessori school, which both she and I are really bummed about. Well, I shouldn't say it's a complete "no", but the chances are not good. She is on the waiting list as #12. That is not great. So now I have another dilemna. What to do about her schooling?

Other than that, the day was pretty cool. I am looking forward to a fun weekend with my kids and hopefully some outdoor time, since the weather has been ideal. I am definitely looking forward to next week, since I will get to discover some interesting things on the ex's computer. I am a little anxious for the process, but focusing on taking a new perspective. As a very special friend reminded me...that the content on that computer is not me, but a past life. Thanks for the tip of encouragement. xoxox

M=Alert and focused
E=Lonely, horny and loved
P=Good and strong
S=Searching

17 April 2008 - Day 25

Today was an incredibly insane day. Work was a huge challenge. I just couldn't seem to stay focused. I was really struggling with tension headaches all day. Then mid afternoon, the answer I had been waiting for arrived. Finally a decision from the judge. At least now, there would be forward progress. A little panic tried to settle in, but then I received some incredible supportive advice. That advice I now carry with me. When I stopped to listen to the words, I realized just how amazing that advice was. But more importantly, what I was truly capable of...viewing challenges from a new perspective.

So even as today the "gloves are off" and the "fight" has begun, I see that I have already won. I have the freedom I have been seeking for years...I have found me. Others only win when you allow it. What an incredible journey. One of heartache, challenges, growth, and change. But most importantly...freedom.

To those "special friends" that have helped me in my path to rediscovery...I owe you all the love and thanks I have in me. Especially to those who know me better than I know myself. Cheers!

M=Spent
E=Happy, positive
P=Strong
S=At peace

16 April 2008 - Day 24

For being Week #4, I am really liking the results I am seeing; not necessarily on the scale, but in the mirror. The workouts have been going very well. I feel like I have more energy. I am definitely more excited about working out, in general. I enjoy cooking the recipes from the cookbook. I find myself making much better choices for me and my family, which is great!



I have really been rediscovering myself throughout this entire process, along with challenging myself to step out of my comfort zone. I am awaiting more challenges, and looking forward to more progression.

M=Stressed but good.
E=Happy
P=Strong
S=Searching

15 April 2008 - Day 23

I had a great workout tonight. I feel fantastic. I doubled up by doing both today's cardio and yesterday's lower body workout. I am just bubbling with excitement about what I discovered tonight. I just hope that I can keep it a secret until May. =)



Realizing that what I need is a new perspective that is so fresh in my mind that I am able to overcome the drama that is dealt in my life. So much so that when I am stressed and overwhelmed, I can immediately let it "fall off my back."



M=Stressed and exhausted, but good

E=Fantastic!!!! Excited!!!!

P=Whipped

S=(overslept, so missed meditation...back on track tomorrow)

14 April 2008 - Day 22

The start of week 4...wow, I am a little behind. But I will be back on track. Tuesday, I will get right back in my routine.

With that being said, this weekend was absolutely fantastic!!!! I had soooo much fun on our 3 state adventure. I developed a whole new awareness for other amazing cultures, explored new places, smiled so much my cheeks hurt, laughed, captured some incredible moments on film, made some unbelievable new friendships, but above all...rediscovered some of the greatest joys in life are just that...LIVING. Being active. Getting involved. Living out the adventures, instead of watching others have all the fun.

For helping me live life, Dave, I give you all the credit. For seeing in me what was forgotten for so long, I thank you! You are absolutely amazing! I love everything about you. I love that you make me see life, see me, from a whole new perspective. A perspective that was lost, but not any more. For making me want to be a better me, THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for everything.
xoxox

M=Completely focused
E=Phenomenally happy (but also frustrated...geography is making me cah-ray-zee!!!!)
P=Strong
S=Refreshed

10 April 2008 - Day 18

I can't even begin to get my mind on track to write this blog. I am just too excited about my weekend adventure. I thought this may provide me the therapy I need to calm down and try to get some sleep, but I am not so sure about that theory. The night before I get to ABQ is always way too exciting. Shit, who am I kidding? Although Albuquerque is awesome, I really think it is related to you. I don't think it matters at all where we are. =)

So to try to recap...the morning was a little nuts, but that's not unusual. Jordan had a really hard time getting ready this morning, so she really pressed my buttons. But I did stand my ground, which is definitely progress. I stuck to my guns and followed through. Meditation was a little scattered. I really tried, but the anticipation of the weekend kept creeping in. =)

The work day went pretty quick, considering I spent some of the day talking to friends, shopping online, and learning the new software, Revit (which is really starting to excite me. This can really open some doors for me if I make a point to stick with it...what an awesome tool. I can't wait to show you.)

I can't wait to see if you notice any change in my body. Tonight I had a realization about a particular part, I can't wait to see if you notice or if it's just my imagination. Also, can't wait for you to see something on me...something I just found from 1990. =)

OMG... I am just soooo excited, I can hardly stand it. I had better try to meditate, just to see if that helps to relax my body too. WOW! 14 hours and counting....

M=Alert
E=Overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation
P=Wide awake and strong
S=Distracted, but searching

Can't wait to see you...xoxox

09 April 2008 - Day 17

This morning started off a little panicky. So much to do in so little time. Not to mention, I am a little distracted with all the excitement of the adventure getting closer. The best part of Wednesday mornings is that I do not have the monkeys to rush me around and deadlines to get to school on time, so I get a little extra "me" time to sleep in a little, relax in the shower, and maybe even cook a nice breakfast. So I really tried to focus for meditation, but I couldn't seem to quiet my mind this morning. Then the stress of the long to-do list kept re-playing in my mind. I wish I could turn that off easier, but I guess that is where the training comes into play.

Work was a little nuts, since I am learning the new software. But the end result, I think, will be pretty amazing! I hope that it will allow me to be more marketable as well. Being able to brush up on my drafting skills is definitely something I want to do. It is one of the things that I need to rebuild my confidence level in. I guess that is why I choose to put the creativity pics on my dream board. Plus, I just love Candice Olson. Divine Design rocks! I think she is part of the reason I am getting more and more interested in residential design.

Anyway, I am slightly out of rhythm on my 6 meal plan today. That is pretty typical for me when I am under a lot of stress, is to "forget" to eat. However, I feel great. I had yoga again tonight. What a challenge this class was. We really worked our backs today, which is definitely an area of my body I need to rebuild strength. Then I went to the gym for my quick lower body workout. I am starting to feel some change in my body, little by little. =)

M=Challenged
E=Crazy with anticipation
P=Strong
S=Distracted

08 April 2008 - Day 16

Wow! I am just soo excited about the date, and ultimately THE date. This weekend is going to be sooooo awesome! It is really hard for me to concentrate, but having said that...here it goes. Today was a little challenging in the morning. With two kids a little "under the weather", it sure makes for some extra fun. The morning routine was a little off, so I have been scurrying all day to make up for "lost" time. The work day was rather challenging with trying to learn the new drafting software. After about 3 hours of working with Tony, he decided the task that was planned for me was a little too ambitious. So we scaled things back. Thank god, since I was already distracted enough with the upcoming weekend adventures inching closer and closer.

Immediately after work, I started racing through my to-do list to prep for the trip. Then it was off to exercise. I really worked out hard. Since it was cardio day, I pushed myself on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes, and the stationary bike for 24 minutes. I am whipped, but ironically full of energy.

I have eaten great today; 3 meals and 2 snacks. I am starting to feel more "balance" in my life which is perfect! Mind, body and soul are beginning to really work together.

M=Alert and motivated, slightly distracted =)
E=Bouncing off the walls with excitement and anticipation
P=Strong, but sore. I have a feeling my legs are going to be rough in the morning =)
S=Open

A day late...assignment complete

This was an intense exercise for me. Partly because it challenges me to really think about myself, something that is a little difficult sometimes for me. I seem to easily fit into my many other hats, but taking time to really think about myself is unusually challenging. But with that said, I really enjoyed exploring "my" world of short and long term goals.

What a great exercise! Thanks for taking me, once again, outside my box.






Thoughts welcomed.

07 April 2008 - Day 15

Spending the day at home today with a sick child, I had high hopes of accomplishing a lot; maybe a little too much. But as life has taught me, I ain't settling for anything less than everything. I would much rather expect the best, than just settle for mediocre. So as my new philosophy, I was demanding nothing less than that. With a long list ahead of me, and progress appearing to be slow, I realized I better take a new approach. So as soon as I did just that, the results were dramatically different.

Instead of focusing on all I had to do, I took the focus away from me for a while, and things changed. Things turned around, attitudes improved, and we all accomplished more as a family. We all exercised at the same time, just not in the same place, giving each of us the freedom and space we needed.

This morning's meditation was changed slightly since Tyler had fallen asleep in my bed after taking his medicine. But it was a pleasant change. I was able to relax my mind relatively quickly and connect with nature first, which really seems to help me.

All in all, it was a great day. I am looking forward to tomorrow, with more improvements within every day.

M=Sharp, ambitious
E=Pumped with excitement
P=Feel great, strong, and full of energy
S=Searching

06 April 2008 - Day 14

Wow, its already the end of the second week. Time has really flown by. I have noticed that life's little obstacles, can really try to divert your energy. Which is all the more reason to really stayed focused on the task at hand. And that task is to see a real change in me and my family, through me, for the better.

So with that in mind, I am looking forward to healthy kids this week, and miracle vitamins to keep me good and healthy for the upcoming adventures for the exciting weekend in the southwest. Thank god its time to getaway!

M=Scattered, but working on organization (hoping tomorrow off work will help me to readjust my plan and re-focus)
E=Happy, anticipating my upcoming weekend getaway
P=Tired, wish I would have worked out today, even though its my "free" day
S=Searching

05 April 2008 - Day 13

It was Day 2 at the indoor waterpark - Spring Break weekend getaway. I was pretty exhausted since I probably only slept 2 consecutive hours. Tyler was just miserable with a high fever, but thank god he slept all the way home. I think that sure helped. Wish I would have had a nap, but the weather was excellent. It was 62 outside by the time we got home this afternoon, so I am sure the fresh air did everyone some good. We spent about 2-1/2 hours outside playing, which was great family exercise.

So I just finished my dance aerobic workout, now blogging, so I thought I would try to meditate now before bed, and see how my body, mind and soul cooperate this late in the day. Its werth a shot. Wish me luck...feel free to call me anytime. I always sleep better when I hear your voice.

M=Scattered
E=Happy
P=Whipped
S=Ready

04 April 2008 - Day 12

It was a crazy day...the morning threw my schedule for a loop. Tyler woke up very cranky with a high fever. Of course, this all happens on the day we leave for our weekend trip to the indoor waterpark. So needless to say, I did not get my morning meditation in. In fact, I was lucky to get myself showered, seeing how "out-of-sorts" he was. But we stopped our plans and took him to the doctor to check him out. The doctor said he must have some type of virus, but throat, lungs, ears were all clear; which was good news. So the plans moved forward, just a little later than scheduled.

So to make the rest of the long story short, the waterpark was awesome! We all had a blast, and got really soaked. After I finally got Tyler to crash for the night, I took off for the fitness room for my scheduled workout. Having the "huge" gym to myself was kinda nice. I just wish the hotel would have had more equipment. I had planned to meditate after my workout, but I kept getting interrupted by young teenagers snooping around. And later my dad had to interrupt me, since no one could manage to calm Tyler down when he woke up.

I am definitely hoping to hop right back on track in the morning, even if I have to get up and meditate, then go back to bed until the kids get up. hahaha (I am a little determined, can you tell?)

M=Foggy
E=Happy
P=Strong
S=Disconnected but determined to make a change

03 April 2008 - Day 11

Today went pretty well. I started the morning routine a little chaotic and pinched for time but still managed to take time to meditate. However it seemed to be more difficult for me to try to relax this morning that the past few days. I think I am stressing a little.

I got to the office, had a morning meeting with a rep introducing a new product, then a planned luncheon. So the morning hours flew right by, which was awesome. I was supposed to be starting the first day of chaotic brain-heavy training on the new software, but there was some miscommunication (which never seems to happen in my office at all, not ever.) So I was struggling to find something to keep me busy. So my mind started to fill in on coming up with great things to use on my visual dream board. When I started to get some good ideas, then I got interrupted by someone needing my help. One task turned into many, which kept me tied up the rest of the day.

My eating plan was a little screwed up today, too. I couldn't figure out why I still felt hungry after eating dinner. Then I realized it was because I had skipped a meal. That sure threw me off.

Exercise was awesome. I do wish that I would have had time to workout at the gym on the bike and do my cardio, but doing my taebo video is fun.

M=Stressed
E=Happy
P=Very sore, tired, but feeling a change for the better =)
S=Searching

02 April 2008 - Day 10

Beyond everything, it is kinda hard to think and type tonight, since my body is sooooo sore. I have been working very hard, which is great. I feel really good and strong...but ultimately very sore. I am even in pain as we speak, especially the triceps (worse on the right tricep). I guess we know where I need to work and get stronger, huh? In any case, today was great. I had my second yoga class, which I really enjoy. There seems to be a good balance between strengthening exercises for the body and the mind. Today's class really pushed my lower back. (And since I worked it really hard at the gym Monday, it is screaming at me tonight too.) I wish I could remember more of the names of the poses and such...mental note: refresh each day and cross-reference with my yoga book. Challenges for my brain as well. I am meeting more people, which is also a priority on my list. Today I met Linda and Lisa. I now see a pattern...lots of "L" names in that class. It sure is a diverse group of people.

Tonight was pretty exhausting, between running late on the schedule due to yoga...and still trying to accomplish my long list of "to do's", it may be a while before I can slow down. Tomorrow may be a little more challenging, since I get to start working with Tony on my new software training. I will need lots of protein to keep the brain functioning tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. It is crazy when you stop to breathe, and take time to become more aware of your surroundings, what kinds of things fall into your lap. I was at work, grabbing something I printed off the copier, when I noticed a new magazine in my co-worker's mailslot. I was intrigued by the cover photo, then quickly got sucked into the article. Funny how that works...so easily distracted. In any case, I became engulfed in the story about the architect that designed this new church. The photo on the cover was amazing; very creative use of natural light. So I flip right to the cover story and begin reading. To make the long story short, I learned all kinds of things about eco-theology. What a interesting philosophy. If for nothing more, it allowed me to realize that I was making a real impact on my mind; by allowing myself to really see things from a new, more open perspective. That felt very refreshing. Does that make any sense?

M=Stimulated
E=Happy, excited
P=Aching pain, but good
S=Searching

01 April 2008 - Day 9

I just realized something...I used to get done with my daily routine, and it was a real struggle to have enough energy to keep my body going and convinced to finish my nightly workout video. Today, I was looking forward to exercising. So much, that it drove me to keep motivated and looking ahead. That is sure different. What a nice change. It is absolutely amazing how much more energy I have.

The other discovery is about how much I enjoy cooking; especially trying all the great recipes from the cookbook. It has become a new routine to check out and plan what recipes I want to try the night before. Then begin cooking away, after I finish the rest of the night-time routines. I always have some great healthy food ready to eat. Which prevents those nasty panic stops on the way home from work with "starving" children. All these healthy choices are ready to go. What a great turn-around!

This morning's meditation went pretty well. I seemed to be guided toward a new perspective/vantage point. So each time I felt myself leaning a particular direction, especially when I noticed that something was bothering or flustering me, I stopped to re-evaluate. It gave me a new perspective. It was great to feel that overwhelming calmness from slowing down my emotional reactions with relaxed approach. Both times I remember starting to get upset about a scenario, I resolved the issue internally and felt much more "in control" and satisfied with the outcome. Does that make sense?

All in all, a fantastic day! Boy, am I sure sore though. Wow! What a workout!

M=Sharp
E=Pumped and excited
P=Very sore, but feeling great!
S=Searching and discovering

31 March 2008 - Day 8

Today seemed to fly right by. Not exactly sure how that happened, considering my workload today was slow to moderate. I am certain tomorrow will be full of all kinds of surprises, since I get to move offices (which I am not real excited about). Although, getting the opportunity to learn the 3D modeling software, may come out to my advantage. I can see the wheels-a-turning now.

To rewind a little, the morning was rather chaotic. I seemed to be running a little later than usual, so that threw off the rhythm of the morning routine. So I will be focusing on hopping right back into the whole scheme of things tomorrow. I have got to avoid hitting snooze. Despite the rush of routine, and not being able to relax much nor quiet the voices for meditation this morning, the remainder of the day went very well. I was able to head to the gym to work out before dinner, which really helped "free" up some evening time for more cooking for tomorrow's meals. I have not really been that into cooking until now. I have loved every meal I have made, which is really cool. I used to want to always go-out for dinner, but this has changed my viewpoint to always wanting to cook, so I can control what myself and kids are eating; plus its healthier and cheaper.

I also managed to get the kids to exercise while I did, which is a huge plus. I am definitely on to something...lifestyle improvements from every angle.

M=Sharp
E=Happy and excited
P=Strong and sore
S=Searching

30 March 2008 - Day 7

What a week it has been, full of challenges and changes. I feel myself very focused and committed already. Being a determined person, I rarely back down from a challenge, but this one is a little different. I have been through a hell of a lot of shit within the last year. But with that aside, I have made it a point to spend some real time focusing on me. This program helps me do exactly that. It may have taken a little time to discover that in the beginning, but it is sure nice to hear from friends...it's great to have YOU back. What a compliment! Life takes us down some interesting roads, paths that can change who we are, but when we discover that we are in fact in charge...we choose; what an amazing rediscovery! So for today, and every today after, I choose to be ME.

M=Sharp, alert, looking forward
E=Excited, eager with anticipation
P=Strong, and a little stiff and sore (thanks to pushing it even on my "free day")
S=Searching

29 March 2008 - Day 6

This morning I was ambitious and pumped. I joined the gym last night and decided I was going to try spin class, just in case I get the opportunity to go biking in the mountains or something. So anyway, I convinced a friend of mine to get up early on a Saturday morning and "drop in" to an 8:00 class with me. It was awesome, but very tough. My ass is sooooo sore, but I think the benefits will outweigh the cost. So with that being said my daily routine was slightly off track, but I did get my aerobic exercise done early.

Since I waited to meditate until I got home from the gym and ate breakfast, by that time, I was pretty spent. So needless to say, meditation was rather fragmented again today since I kept dosing off. Better hopes for tomorrow.

Oh, I also made the chicken enchilada recipe from the cookbook for dinner tonight. It was amazing! I haven't tried one thing I have not liked.

M=Partly cloudy (due to too much time spent on tax prep today)
E=Excited
P=Sore, but good sore (I've been working hard =) which feels really good)
S=Searching

28 March 2008 - Day 5

Welcome to the long-awaited Sexy Friday! Thank god. It sure has been an interesting and challenging first few days on the program. All in all, I feel fantastic! I have made some real life adjustments, which is truly the success I need. I have not waivered from the 3 main principles (meditation, exercise, reflection); not one inch. The only thing I did was drink one Diet Coke, to prevent my headache from worsening. The meals have been great. I love the cookbook. There have not been any meals I have not enjoyed. Not just to see the physical results, but to begin rebuilding from within, who I am. I have missed Dawn Terry for a long time. It sure feels good to have her back. I was reminded of that again just yesterday, from an old friend. I know there are other challenges going on in my life, but it feels great for me to focus on improving myself as a whole. Reminding myself of how to become more aware of the unlimited possibilities around me, is a perfect way to start my day. I also recognize that there are people in my life, especially one, that really deserve some true thanks for helping me "rediscover" myself. So I will direct my thanks to you...for all you have done, and continue to do for me...for everything...I love you!

M=Sharp
E=Excited
P=Tired & sore, but pumped
S=Searching

27 March 2008 - Day 4

This morning started rather rough. I started off in my regular routine, but meditation was rather fragmented. I could not seem to keep my mind on track. Then as I headed off to school/babysitter, I started to develop very strange symptoms that seemed to be the onset of a migraine. I immediately decided it was best to head back home and lie down. After about 2 hours of sleep, I felt extremely better. Still had a headache, but nothing like earlier, no problems with my vision, which was great! Thank god.

By the time I actually got work at 1:00, I was way behind. So the work day flew, which was perfect. Late in the day I got a call about another showing, which is great news, but also causes me to panic a little...thinking of all the things I have to get done alone. So rather than let it overwhelm me like usual, I came up with a plan. Ask for help. Unfortunately, I was denied again. Oh well, I tried. Hence, now I am totally exhausted. Finally finished cooking, dealing with a horrible bloody nose, cleaning, bathing kids, laundry, and its just before midnight. But I was determined not to skip a workout. I will not accept excuses.

So here I sit, finally sit, to write my blog, as promised, hoping tomorrow will go a little smoother. But I suppose it will all be werth it, when I get an offer on the house. =)

M=Foggy
E=Indifferent
P=Drained
S=Searching

26 March 2008 - Day 3

Although I was rather distracted and disconnected this morning, the remainder of the day went rather well. I was able to concentrate pretty well at work, which has been unusual as of late. Today was also my first day of yoga. That being said, I was really excited. There were quite a few in my class, so I am not sure if the class will always go like that. But despite the fact that it seemed "different" from what I had pictured in my mind of how it would be, I really enjoyed it. I was pleasantly surprised as to how much it worked all the muscles, especially my core; which was perfect! I also met some pretty cool new people...it's funny when you step outside your box, the opportunities that present themselves are amazing. The girl I met, Laura, majored in art. She wanted to be an interior designer. But currently is working for Catholic Charities as a social worker. How cool for us to be paired up.

So here's to new beginnings...

M=Sharp, motivated
E=Excited
P=Strong
S=Distracted

25 March 2008 - Day 2

This morning's routine began perfectly, and was rounded off with meditation. I was able to focus rather quickly. As I was narrowing in on my first mantra, my mind was filled instantly with two ideas. It seemed as though these two ideas/concepts, would be the "new awareness" for the day. Something was definitely meant to be heard with these two concepts...now if only I wasn't interrupted by the loud music on the alarm clock, maybe I would recall what they were. How frustrating!

Other than that obstacle, the day was fantastic. My friend made to the final step in the firefighters academy. What an accomplishment! We were able to spend time together exercising, eating, and getting caught up on the latest...ya know the great news with Dave and the always challenging news as it pertains to asshat Chris. In any case, several aspects of my life lately seem to be surrounded by drama...hence my nickname: drama mama...which I am determined to lose. Therefore, I will focus on a new direction. One that begins with changes in me...mind, body and soul. So thank you again, Dave...for everything!

M=sharp, except during the mid afternoon, a little foggy
E=this morning was frustrating; excited!
P=tired after hard workout, but it felt great!
S=searching

24 march 2008 - Day One

Meditation: This morning started so well. I was a little hesitant going into the first day of meditating, but I was soooo excited to get the ball rolling on the 12 week program. I woke up a little slow, as usual, then quickly decided I better get in the shower to wake my ass up before trying to relax and meditate. So there starts the routine...I set my alarm, as instructed, but as tired as I was...forgot to turn it on. To my surprise, when I finally broke to check the clock, 25 minutes had past. That felt AWESOME! I really shocked myself by not having too much trouble quieting my mind. I was able to concentrate on my mantras pretty well, with the occasional need to wiggle or itch or some-sort. When I was able to concentrate on becoming more aware, I felt very free and relaxed (kinda like floating.) I listened to the distinct sounds from 3 different birds, and felt spring. I even started to feel the chill in the air.

On my drive to work, I felt refreshed and alert. The breakfast I made was awesome. Jordan asked for some, which made me sense this new "leading by example" with better, healthy food choices, was truly going to work. Despite my work day being rather slow, I was able with a little advice, to look at the issues of office lack of organization from a new perspective. From that moment, things definitely turned around. I had a great laugh, as a result, and rediscovered the power of humor.

Exercise: The workout started off with a little frustration, feeling like I may be disappointed that I couldn't get a real workout without a gym membership. But after talking to Dave and walking through the exercises through different variations, I was very pumped. I completed the workout with only a few bumps in the plan. I discovered I definitely need to fill the weight gap, and pick up a 5# and 10# weights. It will take a little while before I can work with the 15#, but I will get there.

I am looking forward to seeing the change in me, through all aspects of the program...mind, body and spirit!

M=this morning was alert; now I'm pretty loopy =)
E=pleasantly surprised, excited
P=good and sore
S=searching

What Kind of Friend Are You?

On my mind right now...friends, or should I say lack there of. Not acquaintances, or friends of no substance, but I am speaking about real friends. Those real friends who know the secrets of your heart. Sometimes, some days like today, I feel those kind of friends are few and far between. I am now surrounded by a new perspective. I used to feel that if I was a real friend, I would attract others like me. It is hard not to be disappointed by a person's lack of common sense, if you will. Being a good friend, I felt, came easy for me. Now I realize, not everyone chooses to be real, and maybe that is where the problem lies. It is crazy how people around me use friendship to manipulate. They give with expectations. What happened to just giving to give? Whatever, whoever you are...please just be REAL! So as I was so educated yesterday in a quote I read...maybe the problem stems within.




"an essential spiritual truth: People mirror back to us the reality of who we are." - Deepak Chopra





In that reflection I see my true image. So rather than be so quick to see where others fail me, I choose today to work on me. How about you?